The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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