In America we eat man semen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
