Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
