Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
