I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
