I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
