EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
