Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
