Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
