today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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