Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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