Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
