you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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