my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
