Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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