mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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