apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
