theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
