I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
