Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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