A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
