I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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