I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
