oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
