Don't make out with my wife yet
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
