I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
