I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
