My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
