why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
