I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
