OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
