Where did you get a picture of my penis
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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