i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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