First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she peed on how many people?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
