Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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