I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
