I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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