OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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