saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
