Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Randomize
