I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
