if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
