guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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