i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
