you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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