my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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