first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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