I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
