turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
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The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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