Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
