Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
