Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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