Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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