I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
