My liver just broke up with me...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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