meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
