Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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