Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
