Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
